Harry Potter And The Humiliated Auror
by MightyGryffindor
Summary: Ginny sends Harry to the apothecary, and he is mortally humiliated over the shopping list. Crackfic with raucous humor. Oneshot. Harry / Ginny / Draco


Harry Potter And The Humiliated Auror

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, and all characters, and other related texts, are the intellectual property of J.K Rowling, and her associates as the copyright holders. I have made no money or profit from the publishing of this story.

* * *

Harry Potter was having a very bad morning, in jolly, but foggy and rainy ol' London. His wife was 'that way' again, and had already begun to snap at him over everything he did. He had just sat down behind the desk in his study, at Number 12 Grimmauld Place, to have a cuppa, when Ginny barged in, waving a list for the apothecary under his nose.

"Harry Potter", Ginny snapped, "get your lazy bones up and about, go to the apothecary, and get this list filled for me"!

"But Gin", Harry sighed, "I just got set down with a spot of tea, and it's early yet"!

"I don't care, Harry"! The redhead shrieked, "I have to be at mothers by noon, and I need this so I can have any semblance of feeling like getting ready to go"!

At this, Harry looked at the dreaded list, and cringed. "Oh, for the love of..., Gin, you know I don't like going there; can't I just go to Slugs and Jiggers for this"?

"No, you moron, they don't have what I want, plus, those two items are only sold by the other store, and you very well know this"! Ginny argued, and looked at Harry as if he was trying to be purposely obtuse.

"All right, all right, I'll go, but under protest"! Harry snarled, as he quickly gulped down the rest of his tea, while noticing a headache beginning to grow behind his right eye. He then grabbed his jacket from the hall, and went out the door, while making sure to slam it behind him. Then, with slumped shoulders, and the look of a whipped pup, (with it's tail between it's legs), the sorrowful auror went around the corner, and apparated to Diagon Ally.

* * *

"Oh, this is just great, really, just fuckin' fantastic"! Harry growled out his complaint, as he looked around inside the apothecary. The store was well and full with witches in every aisle, along with a few wizards, while he spied a long line at the tally.

Harry began to make his way to that '_certain aisle where no man should dare to tread_', while glaring at the vulgar colours of the boxes, and the bottle and phial labels. After he reached his first destination, he noticed a new ad pinned to the wall just above the shelves. It was just like the wizarding worlds photographs, paintings, and news prints, in that it had a moving picture.

In the picture, Harry watched as a man, wearing a bowler hat and swinging an umbrella about his wrist, was walking down a sidewalk, where he then met two women, whom were walking in the opposite direction. As the man passed the women, he stopped dead in his tracks, quickly pinched his nose, and then sharply turned back to look at the two women, with a sneer. Next, the gentleman quickly trotted across the street to evade a funky smell. The picture then changed to show a bottle, with a long phallic-like protuberance from it's top, with the words 'Mrs. Dribbles, Delightfully Deodorant Douche', and 'Don't let this happen to you' written at the bottom.

At the sight of this, Harry, now red-cheeked, carefully looked each way to make sure nobody was watching, and then quickly grabbed a bottle of the said douche, and hid it under his jacket, while he silently prayed that he wouldn't be accused of shoplifting. Finally, with his fingers crossed, he quickly made his way to his next stop, on down the aisle.

The next thing on the list was a pure blessing to all male wizards, which just happened to be 'Minerva's Malevolent Menstruatitive Draught', on which, the label guaranteed it to stop 'all bloating, cramps, and monthly vileness'. The label on the bottle depicted an old prune, which looked surprisingly, and a just little bit like, Headmistress McGonagall. Harry quickly snatched the last three bottles, and with a huge sigh of relief, made his way over to wait in line for the tally.

As Harry stood in line, several people gave nods, and said their hellos, as Harry watched the apothecarian looking out over the crowd, with an eagle eye, from his position behind the counter, and upon top of his raised platform. Harry watched, with a scowl, as the potions master / apothecarian made eye contact with him, and then went quickly went back to his work. Then, finally, it was Harry's turn at the tally, so he placed the three bottles of draught on the counter, and with resigned and embarrassed hesitation, he placed the other bottle down that was under his jacket. At this, both the girl working the old register, and the apothecarian, gave him a smirk, and Harry was sure that he would combust and prayed that his humiliation was almost over. All he had to do now, was pay, and make a hasty exit.

Suddenly, the large patronus of a horse shot through the door, thus making everyone jump back against the shelves, as the apparition suddenly stopped in front of Harry, and a shrill voice came from it's horse-toothed mouth. "Harry, I forgot to tell you, but I need a box of rags, so pick those up too?", and the patronus disappeared.

To Harry's horror, several of the patrons started to titter, and he watched as the apothecarian suddenly kneeled down behind the counter, to where he heard something he never wanted to ever hear again.

"HA! Ha-Hee-Ha! Snort, Bwa-Ha-Ha-Ha", the noise came, plus what sounded like a fist pounding on the floor, and then what sounded like shoes stomping quickly, and in rapid succession, against the floor tile. The raucous laughter continued on, for what Harry thought was a good few minutes, and finally, the apothecarian stood, with a tight lipped face, and bright shiny eyes, only to make a quick swish of his wand, so as to levitate a vile, lurid, pink box, containing 200 tampons, called 'Pandora's Palliative and Preventative Plugs', onto the counter, and in front of the mortified auror.

"That will be seven galleons, Mr. Potter", the young lady said, as he quickly paid her, and pulled the collar of his robe up to try and hide behind. "I wouldn't shrink that box, either, as it can affect their usage".

To Harry's utter mortification, the large, and sickeningly pink box, had a handle on it, in order to carry the monstrosity with, and, he noticed, that he would have to pack it that way back outside, and into Diagon Ally. At this, all Harry could manage to get out of his throat was a gravelly "thanks", and he turned tail towards the door.

Just as Harry turned the knob, and the door opened up just enough to ring the bell hanging from above, the blond aristocratic apothecarian, and Malfoy heir, spoke. "Potter, please do inform your wife that my apothecary is not a barn for Horses"!

With one quick and jerky nod, Harry almost ran from the store, and apparated as soon as possible, but only after half of the wizards in Diagon Ally saw what he was for sure carrying about, a shocking pink box, that he could in no way hide under his jacket, and a bag on his arm, that had a bottle springing out the top, with what looked like a dick attached to it.

* * *

After Harry arrived home, now with what he thought would be a permanent tick to his right eye, and on the entry-hall wall, where two curtains had once hung, along with an old wizarding portrait of Walburga Black, now holding a new scorching hole that was created with the vilest of hateful magic, he went to look for his wife.

Moments later, a stunned Ginerva Potter now sat in the kitchen, with her mouth hanging agape, after her husband told her, point blank, and in no uncertain terms, that if she ever sent him to that apothecary again, that he would divorce her at the drop of a hat, children be dammed, and added what he thought she could do with her patronus. Then, the mortified auror stomped out of Grimmauld Place, in high dudgeon, in order to drown his humiliation at a muggle pub, as he would be damned if he would show his face, in wizarding London, for another month!

End.

I thought I would try a new one here, since AFF is screwy with it's new code. Yes, I am the same MightyGryffindor from AFF.


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